Move Through Tough Health Changes Without the Shame: questioning wellness industry norms

There’s this weird moral judgement associated with health and goodness. It goes something like this…

… If you look healthy or thin, you must be good and take care of yourself.

I mean people think I’m super healthy, and the reality of my cardio is that I get most of it done while I dream.

Memes aside, the unstated (and often unconscious) assumption is “if you’re not healthy or you’re in a larger body, you must be lazy or not trying hard enough.”

Throughout history, many religions taught that if you’re born with a deformity or you’re not healthy or you’re born into a poorer cast; then you or your ancestors have done bad things or you’re not praying hard enough. And in the wellness industry, there’s so much unspoken shame and blame around if you don’t do whatever self care practice is being sold to you or is on your to do list, you’re “not prioritizing yourself” 🤮

Here’s the thing…

…You’re always prioritizing yourself regardless if you’re practicing “self care” because your body is designed to prioritize your survival.

Falling short of your health goals or ideals doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.

Some questions to explore when you don't make your health goals

1. Which part of you is making the decisions?

2. Are you making your decisions consciously or running on autopilot?

3. Do you actually need or want to make the change you're trying to bring into the world?

4. What are you prioritizing instead: safety, energy, time, money? These all affect your health and wellbeing.

   
   

And since this is a space that recognizes and makes space for nuance and context, I want to acknowledge there’s pros and cons to whatever answer you give to those questions. There’s no 1 right answer.

1. Which part of you is making the decisions?

From an Internal Family Systems framework, your inner self is made up of a bunch of different "parts"/sub-personalities/families. I like the term parts. These parts can protect, fight, hold pain, be wise, etc.

Now, imagine all these parts are in a bus, driving along the road of your life. Whoever's driving the bus determines the actions you take.

So who's driving the bus?

Is it your confident self? Your protective self? Your fun-loving explorer self? Maybe it's your perfectionist, and she doesn't want to do anything unless it's perfect. No matter who's driving the bus, they're all trying to take care of you.

If you'd like to explore that further, I check out the book No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz Ph.D. or work with a therapist who specializes in the model.

2. Are you making your decisions consciously or running on autopilot?

Neither one of these is bad.

In general, being on autopilot helps requires less energy and time. Habits run on autopilot, and those are generally seen as a good thing. On the other hand, thinking consciously requires more time, energy, and intention. Depending on the situation, one decision making process is more beneficial than the other. Check out Thinking Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman for more on this.

Since change requires conscious decision making, you might not have the bandwidth to implement your goals if you're stressed. You could wait until you're less stressed, but this gets tricky. You could be in a situation where not making the change will drain even more of your energy in the long run.

You could utilize yoga practices to help manage stress. But please note that depending on your situation, this is either a temporary solution for acute situation or long term care. If you don't solve the root cause of your stress, it'll still be there no matter how much meditation you or yoga posses (asana) you do.

You might need to get help to make the change easier. (More on this later.)

3. Do you actually need or want to make the change you're trying to bring into the world?

   
   

Sometimes we do things because it's what we're "supposed to" do. But is it something that you actually want or need?

Is your health actually in need of improvement because of an activity you're training for or lab results you're trying to change, or are you...

• Following the newest trend because that's what the cool kids or influencers are doing

• Being pressured to change because someone in close proximity to you -- family, frenemy, coworker -- is making fun of you

• Using self care as another way to punish yourself for not being good enough

• Using self care as another way to "fix" or "better" yourself

If your truth is more along those lines, instead of practicing faux self care, practice the real self care of creating boundaries or healing your relationship with yourself. Becoming aware of the situation might not be enough, and you're invited to utilize the support of a therapist to work through that sticky and tender situation.

4. What are you prioritizing when you don't achieve your health goals? Your safety? Your energy? Your time? Your money?

All these things -- sense of safety, energy, time resources, money resources -- affect your health and wellbeing. Identify which one you're prioritizing. Then check in with yourself and see if you truly have enough of that resource.

If the answer is yes, you really are resourced, see what it's like making your new habit while reminding yourself of that new awareness. If you're still stuck, you might need extra help.

If the answer is no, thank yourself for taking care of yourself. Then ask, "How can I get, create, or receive more of that resource? What support do I need?"

You don't have to create change alone: it's better (and easier) with the right support

Remember those questions from earlier?

Sometimes you can come up with the answers quickly. Other times, you're too close to your situation that you can't see clearly. Or maybe you don't have the resources to identify and/or work through whatever's keeping you stuck. Resources in this case could be knowledge, experience, energy, or cognitive function.

Remember, you're not the only one who doesn't have all the answers. How do you think the wellness industry got so big? Part of it's marketing and consumerism. Part of it's a change in the stigma around asking for support. And part of it's because there are so many people who need all different types of support.

Normalize flexible options instead of strict prescriptions

If you tried something that didn't work, it's not because there's something wrong with you. You probably didn't have the right support for your problem or situation.

Support can come in many forms:

• accountability

• encouragement

• insight

• guidance

• fierce love

• a place to vent

• a space to be yourself

You can receive support from

• friends and family

• community

• programs or groups

• coaches

• peer support

• therapists

• trainers

• teachers

• prayer

• inner wisdom

• time in nature

Build your support toolbox

You can create a toolbox of support with different options specific to your personality and needs. Combining the different forms and types of support creates endless possibilities. The wonderful thing is you don't have to choose just one combination of support structures for the rest of your life. You don't even have to pay for all or any of them!

Feel free to pull and combine the different options above or add something else that's not on the list.

Of course, you might not know what works for you. Or maybe what was working in the past, isn't working anymore. Maybe you need extra support or someone to hold space for you in order to give yourself permission to rest.

That's where I can come in.

When I work with Private Yoga clients, we get to the root of why you want change and what's keeping you stuck. (And by the way, the answer is never, "because you're not prioritizing yourself.")

In our initial assessment we go over things like

• why you want to create change

• what you've done in the past and if it worked or not

• physical posture and movement

• energy level and stress

• what's going on in a typical day

• what support you already have

Then we create a plan, move through it, and adjust with these principles in mind:

• You’re making the best decision for yourself given the information you have. I can ask clarifying questions or offer suggestions, but you are the one who gets to decide what’s best for you.

• You ,or any body part that we're working, with will not be blamed or shamed if you are unable to (or choose not to) do something. We’ll explore a solution together.

• You always have the option to say “no” without retaliation or judgement. Your choices to participate or not will always be honored. Each practice or option is an invitation, not a requirement.

• Choose progress over perfection. And progress doesn't have to be moving forward all the time. It can look like resting and gaining energy or insight for the next thing.

• Small changes over time create big impact. Simple is more effective and easier to implement than complicated.

• Find the right balance of effort and ease for your specific situation. This can be a single yoga pose, the makeup of your day or week, or your mindset throughout the whole process.

If that's the kind of shame-free help you want, you're invited to schedule a call with me to see if we'd work well together.